One VERY common challenge that many new guys face in the dating scene is the dreaded flaking.
This is when a woman cancels on your late minute, or even worse, fails to show up (easily the most frustrating thing that has ever happened to me!).
Ever find yourself waiting for your “late” date at the restaurant, wondering if she is even going to show?
Or, perhaps you step out of the shower excited to see a woman that evening, only to find a voicemail from her stating that “an old friend is in town”? Grrr…
There is nothing more frustrating for men in the dating game than flaky women.
For some odd reason, some women feel they have the right to agree to spend time with us, only to cancel at the last minute – or, worse, they don’t even show.
This is flat-out rude and insensitive.
But, within this there is a real principle at play that we can learn about.
So, lets try to discover some ways to prevent this going forward.
Flaking – some causes
The most elemental reason women flake on guys is that they feel a lack of trust for him.
The presence of it, or not, can determine whether you see her again…
I used to be victim to this OFTEN. Living in LA years ago, I used to go out a lot with my friends.
We’d dress like rock stars, and regularly ended up with the most attractive women in the club. However, our vibe was so “player” they’d end up never returning our calls, much less hanging out with us.
It was obvious we were looking to hook-up. Most women want to be with guys who are both cool and fun to hang out with, but who are also not only interested in sex.
If your primary means of meeting women is via a cold approach or in clubs and bars, you’re going to have to work to win her trust.
Clubs and bars are sexually charged environments, and normally interactions in these places are laced with sexual energy.
This is not bad, and can be in our favor. However, what most guys forget is that meeting women in these environments demands a focus on trust – in other words, build a connection with her, learn about her, and tell her about YOU.
9 times out of 10, the girl who flakes is the one whom you barely know. You met briefly at Starbucks, or on your way out of the party, or on the loud dance floor.
She probably thinks you are attractive, but feels a bit reluctant to carve out serious chunks of time to see you because she has no idea if you have anything to talk about!
From her point of view, she imagines this attractive guy with whom she might have to endure a seriously awkward and uncomfortable time.
What would YOU do? Right, you’d cancel in a flash.
So, what are some ways that we can now build trust and connection, to virtually remove “flaking” from our vocabulary? Well, here are my thoughts:
1) Talk to her in two different locations
So, if you are in the line at Starbucks, be sure to chat with her again (even if you’ve received her number) at the cream and sugar station.
Or, if you are at a rowdy bar, ask her to join you at another quieter spot so you can hear each other better.
2) Don’t just flirt with her, talk about yourself
Most guys slip into “asking questions” when they feel nervous or don’t know what to say. This is a HUGE turn-off because you’ve now delivered the responsibility for the conversation to HER.
You’ve just subtly told her you are insecure and have poor social skills. Instead, simply and smoothly, tell her about your life, your day, your interests – whatever.
I have a concept I call baiting, where I can talk about anything and lace the conversation with details about my life.
In brief, as you talk and flirt, be sure to fill-it with things like, “being from the west coast” or “I used to manage tours around the world”, and “once when I was in ____” or “I lived in LA before moving back to NYC, and we’d often…”
See what’s happening here? I am filling the conversation with FACTS about my life – she then doesn’t have to ask questions of me, I have answered them for her in advance.
3) Mix her in with your social circle
If you are out with friends, introduce her to them. The most common way people meet each other is via social circle. So, by mingling her into yours, you’ve introduced this connection through the back door.
She’ll see and meet your friends, and further confirm that you’re a cool guy. By doing this, she instantly feels more comfortable and trusting of you as you now fit into a CONTEXT other than the guy I met at the bar last night.
You now have a full social life in her eyes – a golden egg in the world of meeting and dating women.
So, if you can handle these three areas when meeting women, you will see your flake-ration plummet and hopefully disappear.
Ultimately, if you are looking to get a girlfriend, trolling clubs and bars is not the BEST place to do so…that happens via community and social circle (most often – yes, there is the occasional bar hookup that ends up long-term too)
Feel free to post any questions etc…happy to answer them here.