I’ve recently become acquainted with Dan Donche (www.innerbadass.com) and have found a kindred spirit in his writing and philosophies. So,I thought to invite him to write an article for the how to get a girlfriend blog here.
He’s contributed some AWESOME thoughts on respect, and how to build it as a man. Some of it is counter-intuitive, which I love. A lot of things that we feel we need/want must be gained indirectly – like respect, women, meaning, etc.
The Rules of Respect
Guys spend their whole lives trying to earn the respect of others; this extremely elusive thing is considered difficult to achieve and extremely easy to lose.
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, Respect is near the top, right under Self-Actualization. Since the hierarchy is tiered by level of importance, respect comes as something of significantly high value, right next to self-esteem. A guy should never seek out respect. That is a sign of low self-esteem, and the great paradox with that type of action is that a guy will not be able to improve their view of themselves simply by receiving fame, respect, and glory externally. He must first accept himself internally.
This is akin to the saying, You must first love yourself before others will love you.
Respect is defined as the condition of being esteemed or well regarded. Whether that’s at home, in your social circle, at work or school, or in regards to dating women is of no consequence. The process of getting there is the same across the board.
What makes this of particular importance to guys looking to meet women for any purpose is that if a woman doesn’t respect you, the relationship can never be healthy. The inverse applies as well, if you do not respect her reciprocally, she can never be happy either.
The good news is that there are two fundamental rules of respect that, if you follow them, you will drastically improve your confidence, self-esteem, and your interactions with others throughout all facets of your life, especially with women.
If you break either of these rules, you will not get respect. It’s as simple as that.
The Two Fundamental Rules of Respect are:
RULE 1: IN ORDER TO GET RESPECT FROM OTHERS YOU MUST RESPECT YOURSELF.
RULE 2: IN ORDER TO GET RESPECT FROM OTHERS YOU MUST SHOW RESPECT.
Let’s look at a topic that often comes up: that concept of the nice guy vs. the jerk. These two extremes on the scale of masculinity illustrate the two rules of respect perfectly.
On one end of the spectrum lies the quintessential nice guy. He is eager to please others, and will sacrifice himself in order to accommodate others. The problem with the nice guy is that he respects others in his efforts to please more than he respects himself. He invariably ends up being manipulated and taken advantage of, sometimes to the point of no return: suicide.
What happens when a guy tries to gain favor by doing what others want in an effort to not make waves, get someone to like them, or be the nice guy, people end up losing respect for him. What they see is the guy inadvertently signaling that he does not respect himself, and therefore gives them permission to not respect him. People subconsciously (or consciously, in some cases) think, well if he doesn’t respect himself, then it must be okay if I don’t.
The more you do this, the worse it gets.
On the other side of the spectrum, we have the archetypal jerk. He is inflexible and inconsiderate towards others. He is dominant, controlling, and doesn’t care about hurting others. He will use deception and manipulation to get what he wants, and he only cares about what he wants.
The jerk’s problem is that he is inconsiderate. He does not respect others and therefore people do not respect him. He may have more short-term success with women due to being a tremendous challenge and having large amounts of confidence, but these relationships only last until he jettisons the girl for the next one, or until the self-respecting woman decides she can’t take his shit anymore.
Obviously, the ideal here, as always, lies somewhere between the extremes. You want to be strong, yet considerate. You can only do this by respecting yourself and others. Observe the men you respect most and see if they naturally follow these two simple rules.
Following these rules will dramatically improve the quality of your life, in every aspect.
Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. — John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Thanks Dan…great stuff man. Do something every day that builds self-esteem and/or self-respect, and tell no one about it. Build slowly and deliberately, and someday soon you will notice something has changed.
Have a great weekend guys.
Also, click the link to learn more about “attraction” and female psychology…(this one’s by me though)
Dan Donche lives in Seattle and enjoys experimenting with socialization when he’s not teaching fitness and going to school.