Based on years of research, along with countless hours of confusion, I feel, alas, as if I have at least begun to understand women.
I can thank the school of hard knocks for that wisdom…
This post will start a series of studies on differing “types” helping men to better understand women and how/why they operate.
This focuses on the “hottie” mindset. When “sarging”, guys typically face this profile (numerous times per night).
My work is focused on helping men develop into the most “attractive” version of himself as is possible in order to attract the RIGHT women to us.
A deeper understanding of women has led me to see that becoming the most evolved and attractive version of myself is key to cultivating lasting relationships.
Along my own journey, I have grown through several stages & my “pick-up” days led me face-to-face with many “hottie's”.
This type tends not to be open to a relationship, but is rather at a less advanced stage of evolution (a more advanced stage would be open to a relationship and intimacy).
She is eager to be stimulated. So, the man who can direct her attention and emotions in a positive manner will get HER attention for the moment…but this can be fleeting…
For our purposes, lets assume she's an only child, as this is simpler (the impact of other sisters and brothers is large btw).
So, without any further ado, I present “Evolution of a Hottie” (with apologies to the cast of “Heathers”).
BORN: Baby, and “cute” – hopefully cared for and loved, perhaps even slightly spoiled. Nonetheless, everything proceeds as normal – Gerbers, Teddy Bears, Cribs, Slobber, Walking, Cute Clothes etc…
PLAYGROUND: Other kids in the picture, so the “center of attention” is now no longer. She is placed by the supervisors in and around other girls.
She learns to socialize a bit, how to “share”, how to ask for what she needs or wants, how to communicate.
She probably takes a few bumps and bruises from the others (boys and girls), but overall has a pretty good experience and “likes others”.
FAMILY: If she's a burgeoning “hottie” her family and friends of family, are always telling her how “adorable” she is, how “cute and lovely” she is – all of which is true.
She begins to feel that her appearance “matters”, and that it gets her that precious commodity, “attention”…this continues, perhaps, for many years.
SCHOOL – PHASE I: Now the first brushes with “boys” happens.
She likely has her small group of friends, as the mothers make a point to put them together before school begins so that they have friends (it's the same for us boys). She now senses the beginnings of female competition.
The girls compete for the cutest lunchbox, backpack, dress, lipstick, blush…SHOES…it's all starting to happen just like Mother Nature intended.
They begin to sense that the “boys” like the “cute” stuff, and wear it more and more with that in mind. They also begin to “gossip” about the other girls and boys.
They notice the slightest barbs of jealousy attached to the “gossip” intended for their female friends. They also slowly increase their interest in the “cute stuff” as it helps them better compete with the girls, while also garnering much more of that precious commodity, “attention”.
However, up to now, the “attention” is never attached to “romance” or “sexuality”, as that has yet to be awakened…which leads us to Phase II….
SCHOOL – PHASE II: Around the age of 9, 10 or so, girls begin to change…puberty affects their hormones just as it does with us boys.
They now begin to feel a slight “attraction” for the boys, sometimes before the precious “attention” and sometimes after. Nonetheless, the competition now increases between the girls, to see who can get the most “attention” from the boys.
The “cute stuff” also now expands to include slightly (or not) revealing clothing, sexier makeup, more flashy handbags and shoes…all worn to school in the middle grades, to impress the boys, but also to impress the girls. The girls cattiness and gossip now increases as they must struggle with their own social ladder in hopes of climbing to the top.
By dragging one hottie down the ladder, the self-hottie goes up the ladder.
They like stimulation, as it evokes the feminine need for a flow of energy. The young girls, subconsciously, begin to seek this flow of energy – both in positive and negative ways.
They purchase more “cute stuff” to attract a greater flow of energy to them, and they also gossip in order to climb to a higher rung where there is more attention, more energy flow, more good feelings.
Perhaps her first kiss happens here, or perhaps not – either way, social status DOES depend somewhat on ones relationship to the phases of sexual initiation:
2) French Kiss
You might recognize these as the four “bases” (love our National Pastime). Boys are the same, of course, bragging about their exploits and rankings.
For girls though, it is a quieter, more cunning art of bragging. They can see that the boys make constant plays for their attention and affection. To be too “easy”, would be bad for the social ladder.
So, they learn to protect themselves by roaming in packs, they play subtle games with boys: feigning interest, pulling away, conjuring up tests, in order to see if he “really likes me”.
They realize now the all-powerful belief, my body is desired, and can assist me to increase the “flow of energy” from the outside world…let the games begin…
SCHOOL – PHASE III: She gets her first boyfriend. He's been carefully selected by “mother” and her “best friend”. He fits the mold, he is strong, he has direction, he is socially very well adapted, he makes good grades, he is going “somewhere”.
He drives up in his convertible (which “dad” bought for him last year), wearing something very conservative and trustworthy – perhaps a letter jacket, or a v-neck sweater. He greets “mother” with a white-smile, and she comments “We've heard so many great things about you”.
He answers with a blush, and greets dad on the sofa who grumbles something about “having her back by 10, young man”. He politely obliges, and opens the door for the two to leave. She feels a rush of excitement, to finally be alone with a boy.
They go to the local pizza parlor, and share a pie.
They have a wondrous conversation…she begins to feel something different…he likes “me”, they way he looks at me, the way he smiles at me, the way he is so polite…he likes “me”.
They get in the car, as it is nearing “10pm”, and he takes her home – they kiss in the car – and she feels that rush of emotion that she has so been craving…he's a “gentleman” and walks her to the door, much to the delight of “mother” and “dad”.
She rushes to school the next day, and tells her friends all that happened. Some are happy for her, the others are jealous.
Slowly rumors fill the air. And as they move, these rumors, vicious as they are, fall further and further from the truth. She feels her heart close, at mere mention of her behavior in the halls.
However, she likes the boy, as he does her. They continue to date and, eventually have sex.
Again, rumors swirl. His accomplishment is her failure. She quietly weeps inside. He proudly walks with her through the halls. As much as she might not care to admit it, the rumors hurt…
It doesn't work out. He cheats on her. She is heart-broken. Her friends capture her in the fall, but some quietly scorn with embittered happiness.
The flow of energy in her heart has been abruptly quieted, and then again filled with sadness. She relishes more the attention from the other boys.
She even goes to parties sometimes (as all “hot” girls are invited to parties), she might even have a drink or a snort.
This, of course, might lead to the occasional “encounter” – as when drunk, her desire for connection is more freed and less encumbered by her social personality – the one that keeps things “together”.
Like her, her friends are also experimenting with both bodies and substance. They all grow thru the school-girl phase together.
They go out with each other, they frequent clubs and bars (where they meet the friendly-neighborhood-PUAs) – receiving massive displays of affection, and larger still plays for their attention – all from men they barely know. None seem interested in their minds or personalities – but are very interested in what lies from the neck down.
They learn more social skills to protect themselves.
And secretly, they wish for an “honest man”. Instead of that though they dress more flamboyantly, with more color and pizzazz attracting the same in reverse.
These men turn out to be, unfortunately, the men they secretly wish to avoid. Yet, that is all they find. Our dearest one even finds herself giving it all away, but only on occasion. Yet she loves the affection, and the faux-connection that the nightlife brings.
It also satisfies another need – the one that has been growing along with her body all these years – that need for attention and stimulation.
Lights, men, drinks, music all contribute to a huge flow of positive emotion to her – so vital to her happiness and well-being.
But, why are there no good men? She wonders…
This is the crossroads. How does she, the hottie, reconcile her need for attention and how her body & appearance continually delivers that AND her innate human need for real love and intimacy.
She must change – but does she? There is a middle ground, but it requires more depth and intelligence.
Often, I see pain (from broken relationships, or a broken-heart) as the key to this new depth and intelligence. She must learn ways to fend-off the losers, and attract the real men. But there is a price for this education.
Like men, the real power comes when she learns what she really wants – not what her parents or culture demand for her. She (we) must begin to know herself in a new way.
For men, we constantly sneak glances at women, we fantasize about having them sexually, we make subtle (or not) plays for their affection.
But, as far as getting past our own surfaces, we make little effort to – our desire at the shallow end of the pool is for sex & validation only.
The “hottie's” might desire attention at the shallow end. Thus the mating dance begins. At the deepest point though, we both want love.
For her, and for us, to attract someone whom we can trust and develop with, we must head for the deep end. On the way, you will have to acknowledge more of what you really want, as opposed to what merely “looks good” to the outside world.
Understanding women therefore means further understanding ourselves.
We can have it all boys, but we gotta know what “it” is first. At the shallow end of the pool – we don't know much but the splashy surface…
Also, if you want to learn more about female psychology & female attraction, I've linked a critical post of mine below.
I urge you to check it out and learn more about the true “nature” of attraction between us and them & how to work on yourself in order to become more attractive to women: