The common parlance for the “average guy” who isn’t successful with women is:
Average Frustrated Chump
(or AFC, for short).
This certainly describes me when I got here, and thanks to the community, that has all changed…dramatically. I’m now married to the woman of my dreams, and had a helluva lot of fun along the way.
So many guys, like myself, arrive at the doorstep of the dating and seduction community dying for advice about how to meet women, get laid and have relationships.
Many are virgins, or are rarely sexually active.
Most, if not all, are single – and they want to change that. THIS IS GOOD.
But, let’s take a look at both the evolution of the Chump and his mindset. So, how did this happen and what are the common psychological states he finds himself in?
I have found that there are often things in there worth keeping.
Also, I use the word Chump to be both slightly derogatory and inspiring – therefore, if you are a chump, you need help, and fortunately for you, you are in the right place.
Lets get inside the mind and soul of the “chump”. What we find is surprising…
BORN: One never really knows where things went wrong.
Perhaps Daddy dropped him at birth. Or, his parents just didn’t care enough early on.
Nonetheless, so many young-uns are slighted these days – and it’s usually evident from the word go. Often, the chump comes from a single-parent household, broken home, or abusive environment.
Something happens to shut him down – some wound or emotional injury causes him to shrink.
CHILDHOOD: A broken heart happens in many ways.
Perhaps he was left alone early-on, maybe he was beaten, maybe his parents didn’t care as much as he needed, maybe he was born an alcoholic, perhaps he witnessed (or absorbed) violence…the list is endless.
My belief is that most guys who struggle with women do so for REAL REASONS. This doesn’t just “happen” guys. You aren’t, at essence, broken. But, most (if not all) are suffering some kind of pain.
It is most ALWAYS evident in childhood. Little Jonny wasn’t so social in the sandbox. Little Jonny had angry outbursts. Little Jonny didn’t play fair.
Little Jonny then got punished, reinforcing his belief that he was “unworthy”…
EARLY TEEN YEARS: Little Jonny meets little Mary.
This is where the conflict really begins. Jonny likes Mary, and feels “something” for her. He tries to spend time with her, and likes making her laugh.
She seems to like him too – and they sit together and have lunch. The other kids start to laugh, and poke fun at them both. Jonny takes this personally – as this feels like “punishment” to him.
He feels like he is doing something “wrong” now, so he pulls away a bit from Mary. She doesn’t understand, and changes her eating habits by hanging out with others.
He is heart-broken, and neither he nor she understands why. He further avoids her now, confusing her while he wonders why she has also “pulled away”.
She might make moves to rekindle the friendship, but Jonny always manages to sabotage things by misreading what is happening.
His low self-esteem continually convinces him that “she hates me”, adding to his insecurity even more. He must find a way to compensate for this…
MIDDLE TEEN YEARS: Needing an outlet, Jonny turns to: sports, drinking or scholastics to make himself feel better.
He escapes into one of these three (usually) so that he can excel at something, which salves his painful wounds. Perhaps he excels at football, or weightlifting to help him feel like a man.
Maybe he spends his weekends drinking with the boys, in hopes of freeing his inhibitions enough to let his real self out to breathe a bit. Or, maybe he just digs himself into his books, searching for acceptance via school and smarts: he’ll become a prominent business-man, and that will teach ‘em all.
He, like most guys, does “get lucky” on occasion – makes out with a girl at a party, has a date to the 10th grade dance, even hooks up on vacation. However, he never feels he meets really attractive women, and his friends even come up with nicknames for him, like: “easy”, “hoggin’”, and “lefty” to slap around his lack of success.
His broken-heart now feels angry. So, he dives further into school, drinking or sports to salve the greater-ache.
LATER TEEN YEARS: But, as it does with us all, he finally meets “her”.
She moves to his town from across the country, and arrives in his neighborhood. His families mingle, as his parents want to “meet the neighbors”. He and “her” are naturally together a lot, that summer before his senior year.
He does “nice” things for her: takes her to dinner, buys her flowers, gives her an extra-“nice” gift for her birthday. She really likes him, and they each other “my boyfriend” and “my girlfriend”.
School starts, and at first, he is alas the BMOC (Big Man on Campus). He now has a beauty on his arm, and he couldn’t be more proud. Maybe it happens at the homecoming party, after the homecoming dance.
Everyone’s a bit tipsy, and she notices “Paul” – he is the coolest guy, and he is “so sweet”. He has the looks any young girl would die for, and is at his life’s peak. He’s the QB, or the pitching prospect, or the shooting guard who makes the scouts drool…and he kisses her, and she likes it.
“Jonny” comes into the room seconds too late, only to see them in mid-makeout. A scene insues, as Jonny flees the party. He is “sick” for the next few days, as he cannot even leave the house. It’s his worst nightmare. And it only fuels the fire.
COLLEGE: He is accepted at a major university, as his academics are “so strong”. He is pre-med, which suits him as it allows him hours at the desk, with his book, away from people.
He spends a lot of time alone, preparing for that “someday” when he will be successful and happy. He never gets laid. Never. He stifles his sex-drive, as it will be appeased “someday”.
Occasionally a friend will take him out for drinks, a movie, and he does sometimes meet women. But the bitterness of his past always creeps up on him, convincing him that either he, or she, is not “good enough”.
Alas, he graduates from Med school, and gets a job as an internist at his city’s hospital. He looks old for his age. He is slightly slouched over. His breath reeks of coffee usually.
He does not come out of “Grey’s Anatomy”, no, he comes from the real world. When asked by mom if he’s seeing anyone, he laughs and says “not now, just too busy to date”.
Unfortunately, deep down, he knows he is unhappy…
He goes to google one day, types in “dating help” or “seduction” or “how to get a girlfriend” and the screen fills his head with possibilities…and then he comes to us… TO BE TRANSFORMED.
Now – these are obviously generalizations and some of the specifics might not apply in your case. But, can you see how years of habits and beliefs are now needing to be questioned and worked on?
Can you see how the “transformation” from average frustrated chump to a fully actualized, autonomous man might take some time?
And – most important – I hope you get that a bag of tricks or gimmicks such as those used by pick-up artists are a total waste of time.
They don’t, and won’t, work…
I would next recommend you read my post on female psychology to further understand the nature of attraction between men and women. This will help you understand the path to walk to maximize your attractiveness to women, and to find the right women for you for relationships.
That last article, “Evolution of a chump”.
God damn, Stephen. That one hurt. But I like how its open for a sequel.