I’ve recently had a rush of 1-on-1 coaching work here and it occurred to me to write a little bit about my observations of the common challenges I see guys facing (long sentences anyone?).
I guess it’s the nature of how I advertise my dating coaching as not being an in-field “pick-up artist” training course that yields me less students than say some other company, BUT I also usually get very cool, more normal guys too.
When with RSD, the range of guy that would arrive at Project Hollywood, would be from the normal dude who simply lacked confidence in talking to girls, to the borderline sociopath who insisted that we teach him how to get every girl on the planet. I think some of that had to do with our marketing at the time, things like:
“See us pull wives off of their husbands and make out with them in under 3 minutes!”
Totally absurd of course, but you read a lot of outrageous claims in marketing letters these days.
One of the reasons Mike and I developed CEIC around the concept of NOT training guys “in field” was to:
1) Spare us the reality of having to “sarge” ever again (which I hate, frankly);
2) Attract a more mature customer and;
3) Help us focus on what ACTUALLY helps a guy, which is not training him to sarge, but rather coaching him on how to develop an interesting lifestyle that leads to a relationship with the RIGHT woman.
Well, that was a bit of a prelude, so let me now get into my analysis of the challenges that dudes seem to consistently face.
Here is the number one mindfuck guys are telling themselves:
I am NOT the problem, I just need to know what to SAY when I am around women
VERY WRONG. You ARE the problem man. If I told you everything you should/could say to get a woman right now, you’d still screw it up because the place from which the words arise (in YOU) is living a lie.
“Living a lie?”
Yep. The basis for the challenge that most guys face is that they don’t see reality. They believe:
1) I am unattractive
2) Women don’t like me
3) I am not “enough” to attract cool girls
4) It’s wrong to want to have sex with a girl
5) I am fatally flawed and will never truly get what I want in dating, and in life
Most guys are ASLEEP, and – frighteningly – they don’t want to wake up. They are comfortable and secure in their own negativity.
“I am unattractive”
Many guys ARE unattractive, but that could easily change by doing things differently, taking different actions, and presenting themselves better. They can’t see the difference between being physically attractive and genetically attractive. Brad Pitt is genetically attractive, Neil Strauss is NOT. However, Neil Strauss has turned himself into an attractive guy because he WOKE UP.
“Women don’t like me”
WRONG. The problem is not that women don’t like you, the problem is that they don’t even NOTICE you. Most guys are average, ordinary and BORING. Sorry, that’s the truth as I see it. If you want to REALLY know how women feel, learn to approach and talk to them. Then, tell them about your life. If you are doing interesting, cool things – well then, guess what? They will find you INTERESTING. This is not brain surgery here.
One thing that I focus on A LOT with my guys is to rediscover their aims in life. Most of us are in a “rut” and it’s hard to get out. Most of us spend our days doing exactly the same things – we go to work, we have lunch, we go back to work, we head home, we have dinner, we surf the net, we watch TV, we go to bed.
If you were going to die one year from now – HOW WOULD YOU SPEND THIS YEAR? This is a common question I ask guys, and it’s designed to help them see into what the REALLY want in life. I don’t advocate quitting your job, writing poetry from dawn til dusk & going broke…as that will be the fast track BACK into the same, boring life. Instead, carve out an hour/day to do what you REALLY want. Go explore your community, start painting, travel, SPEAK YOUR MIND…
I am serious – this is the number one way to attract women. BE INTERESTING, BE YOURSELF (YES, I AM SCREAMING WITH MY CAPS!)
“I am not ‘enough’ to attract cool girls”
Says who? Mommy? Daddy? Sister? Who’s reality are you living here?
It is ALWAYS the case that a guy is self-feeding himself BS based on something he learned as a kid. It grows into “low self esteem” eventually. It grows into toxically negative thinking that becomes the “edge” of his comfort zone.
Your reality is something that you CAN CHANGE. One of the GREAT things about seeing a pro-PUA in action is that you can SEE him get a girl. Now, as I have said before, the GOOD PUAs out there are the ones who can attract a girl who is not initially interested or attracted to him. From what I can see, most of the Pro-PUAs out there are good-looking guys who likely get girls attracted to them in spite of their social skills. These guys cannot really help most guys.
The ones who can are the ones who can truly teach the art of attracting women. If you are looking to learn how to do that, be careful on who you spend your money with my friend.
But, your “reality” manifests in a variety of different ways. Look around you – perhaps you are reading this at work, at home, at an internet cafe…what is the “state” of your life? How does it look from the outside? Would a woman be excited on entering this life? Would her world become larger or smaller?
Also, look at it from the inside-out – how does it feel to you? Are you content? Happy? Or, is there a deep-seated, nagging aingst that “this is not me”.
If so, that’s the NORM man. In order to really change your life, you have to start by changing your inner REALITY first. And, it doesn’t require you to now purchase 18 inner game programs (spare me…). All this requires is that you do 2 things:
a) Believe, again (as you did when you were younger), that anything is possible and;
b) Question everything
Question every “structure” or decision that exists in your life and your world. Every pattern needs to be examined. Are you consistently attracting women that don’t REALLY turn you on? This is a common symptom that a guy struggles in this. His reality is limited, and in order for that guy to find real love and lasting attraction, that reality has to change.
“It’s wrong to want to have sex with a girl”
Again, says who? I want to toss a little idea out there, a little diagnosis (if you will):
Every guy I meet has this problem. Here’s how it tends to work:
He feels he wants to have sex with a woman, it’s an animal instinct that he can’t control. He acts out on this in private (usually) with porn, or chronic masturbation.
Once he senses this feeling, something goes haywire and he suddenly feels ashamed and embarrassed. It’s some strange way that religion has corrosively impacted the “American male” – he’s AFRAID he’s going to violate some existential feminist/protestant doctrine by simply being OK with his own sexuality.
Ever go to Europe? If not, you should. Or, go to South America. You’ll see exactly what I mean if you go “out” in any of these environments. Go to the beach and see how the men dress and how they behave towards women. Go to the clubs there. It’s VERY different.
A former date of mine, a girl from Georgia (the country) used to say it best: “American men are boring, and they are terrible in bed”.
She was right.
“I am fatally flawed and will never truly get what I want in dating, and in life”
Aaah yes, the final apocalypse. The guy realizes that he sucks with women, and then his negativity finally takes over his entire life by convincing him that NOTHING is attainable.
There’s something scary here…and this is very very disturbing in my opinion.
Most guys are PISSED OFF.
Ever go to a lair meeting? It’s the angriest gathering of men you’ve ever seen. You can feel the hostility when you enter the room – it’s literally scary, as if someone might go postal.
Know what else? They SHOULD be pissed off. The amount of negativity they haul through their life would piss off the Dalai Lama for heaven’s sake.
BUT, they are pissed off in the WRONG way.
Dude, it is not society that is shrinking you. It’s not women, mommy, daddy, the church, the press, the “community” – No. It’s YOU.
You should be pissed off. You should be angry that you suck with women, and that you aren’t happy. Absolutely – be PISSED.
BUT, take responsibility. OWN IT, in other words. Stop blaming everything outside yourself for your lack of power (because power is what you lack, I don’t care how “special” your problem is…POWER is what you need) and take responsibility for it.
You are the one STILL believing the hype, the negativity, and are still the one doing NOTHING about it.
Think learning “what to say” is the answer? NOPE. Sure, it will help, and is probably valuable, but it isn’t going to remedy your pain my man.
Only when you can take full responsibility for yourself, and your life, will you start to see some improvement. This is the only way to marshall all of the reserves to fully oppose the negativity and inertia in your life. If there are ANY strings attached to your past or present blaming something outside of yourself for ANY problem you have, you will KEEP that problem.
So, be PISSED, but OWN it and work thru it in the right way. There are no fatal flaws (just look at Sean Stephenson if you don’t believe me) – that’s a mind fuck you’re telling yourself because it keeps you SAFE and enables you to keep being LAZY.
Which leads me to my final conclusion.
A remedy, let’s call it:
TAKE responsibility, STOP being safe, get ACTIVE and get a REAL LIFE.
That’s it. No need for the next, latest and greatest algorithm on attracting women, no need to buy the next “cutting edge” game program released by some guy with a REALLY weird name, no need to spend thousands on some lame seminar that will NOT HELP YOU. (All you need are a few, like 3 or LESS, programs and/or ebooks to get the info you need man – anything more makes you a “junkie”)
What will help you? I’ll repeat it:
TAKE responsibility, STOP being safe, get ACTIVE and get a REAL LIFE.
Eventually, that is what you are going to have to do.
I got an email from a former client recently, named Ted. He told me that he had two weeks of vacation left in the year, and asked if he should either: “go to New York to sarge with some friends the whole time, or go to Kenya and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro”.
Is that a real question?
The last point I’ll make is this…and I am not sure who is to blame for this (each of us, probably), but since when was it a good idea to “sarge” for a week instead of taking on a life-changing experience?
Who actually advocates that? Where does this idea originate?
Perhaps it’s just the result of many men with low-self esteem and atrociously-negative self-images colliding with a market that is literally crazed for the next, greatest program that will “change your life”, and “7 days and you can solve this problem once-and-for-all!”.
No one can solve it for you. Sure, we can help – a few of us can (many cannot, buyer beware). But, no one has the answer, no one can pull you out of the hole. Only you can. The answer is you.
My reply to Ted, and my newest mantra for any guy within earshot?
“Climb Mt Kilimanjaro.”
And have fun building a unique and individual life.
NOTE: This post was written some time ago. To check-in on my current thoughts as a dating coach for men, click the link and listen in to a recent podcast episode where I lay out the 3 big challenges I see men facing these days + what to do about it.