If Part I of this series of articles on Feminism focused on the problem, this article will focus on the solution.
(If you haven’t read part I, click the link above and read it. Do not read Part II unless you have read Part I)
In fact, this series could perhaps be titled a bit better, as:
- The Masculine Problem
- The Decline of Men
- How To Be A Man
Or something to that effect. But, because Feminism is such a loaded word (particularly amongst men), we reduce some of the stigma by using it.
As we discussed in part I, a problem exists between men and women and, I believe, its source can be traced to the feminist movement in the US. The divorce rate spiked shortly thereafter, and has leveled off at a rate of approximately 3-4x what it was pre-1960. Men, many many men, feel powerless and imprisoned socially. There is a growing resentment towards this imbalanced social dynamic, and men are beginning to act out in dangerous ways.
Ever hear the name George Sodini? Here’s a guy so angry that he killed three women, and then himself.
He has posted some awkward and frightening videos online which bring you into his world. His is a scary, bitter, cold world. At one point, he casually points the camera at a well-known seduction book.
Others have researched his background, and we now know that he has taken at least one seminar from a seduction coach.
The intent here is not to blame the coach – not at all. But, rather to try and understand why the George Sodini’s of the world are so damn pissed off. Here we have a man who is in his late 40’s and hasn’t been laid in nearly 20 years. That’s right, 20 years.
Moreover, he rarely dated and would nearly never get a 2nd date. He felt clueless when it came to meeting women, and over the years the loneliness and powerlessness built into resentment and anger. This devolved into a truly horrific scenario.
Now George clearly needed some professional help (not from a dating coach, but a psychiatrist), but his anger is something I see on a regular basis – with many clients, friends and certainly most men in the dating scene.
George is an extreme case, but there are MANY men out there whose anger is less deadly, but toxic nonetheless. Also, this problem is only getting worse. It’s high-time we looked for some real answers, a search for a real cure to the disease.
Men all across the world are learning tricks and gimmicks about meeting and dating women from Pick-Up Artists and Seduction Coaches. I happen to know most of these individuals, and nearly all are charlatans with virtually nothing to offer other than more frustration, confusion in your life and a lot less money in your pocket. Not a good deal now is it?
The PUA/Seduction community is an outgrowth of this angry subculture in need of power. And yet, it only aggravates and leaves a man more powerless than before. The thing that can give him power is not in a gimmick, silly costume or body position. So, once a guy forks over thousands of dollars, and months, maybe years of his life to “learning this stuff”…once he finally wakes up and realizes that he’s barely better off than he was before, this only adds to the angry fuel he’s had his whole life.
Powerless, confused and wildly misdirected…this is the new “average guy” in America.
What’s the solution?
Well, I’ve been working with guys for more than 5 years in dealing with the “women problem” and it is not easy developing game plans for the levels of frustration that exist out there in the male community. Most guys feel nearly the same as the next, and many are willing to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to fix their woes. Men are attracted to speed, quick fixes, and overnight results. And when you feel very very badly, the willingness to spend and demand quick improvement exponentially multiplies.
Getting my drift here? We not only have a problem of power here, but we’ve also got a problem of FANTASY too. No one appreciates the scope of the epidemic, no one is acknowledging the depth of the plague.
What we have here is a world filled with boys, in fact. And these boys, uninitiated and unschooled in the ways of men, want what they want and they angrily want it now. What they don’t realize is that the way up and out is a long(ish) way, filled with challenge, discomfort and discipline. And what they refuse to face is that the solution is not coming in a bag of tricks, a garment, a line or routine…no. Nor will it even come through the words of your favorite guru or dating coach. The ultimate answer to this dilemma will come from the one place most men refuse to acknowledge or face. It comes out of the single spot that he hasn’t a single clue about. The power comes in from a location with which he is hardly even acquainted….INSIDE HIMSELF.
Men know how they feel, sure. And, they can sure THINK a lot too. But, as for finding something inherently male and authentically HIS, guys are as lost as a cat in a swimming pool.
Lets attempt to deal with this problem, shall we?
If the essential qualities are a lack of power, autonomy and a vast feeling of resentment, then you’d better believe the solution – or at least the one that I propose – is no quick fix. This will not happen overnight. It might even take some of you a long time. But, if we care about our gender, and the relationships we intend to have down the road, we’d better damn well begin.
I see four phases of development. Over the next four weeks I will dive into each of these deeply. But, for today, I will provide a quick sketch of each.
Phase I – Fixing The Power Drain: Stop Objectifying Women
Part of the powerless problem is first identifying where the little power we do have GOES. I believe it goes towards a bitter objectification of women which provides the illusion of power, but nevertheless, fuels only fantasy and a retreat from reality and action.
Imagine this: You are the attractive woman in the club and the men all glance your way, some approach you and offer to buy you drinks, some even overtly hit on you. You are the object of their attention, and the wish of their desire. You fully know that you could have any one of them in your bed that night, or line up your date book for the next month with fine dinners and outings across the town. Sure, attractive women get tired of the attention, the whistling, the awkward stares because they know what it actually IS. But, secretly, underneath the irritation, behind the voice that says “just leave me alone” is a feeling most of us men never get to feel…
Men constantly give their power away to women, which is the essence of seeking validation from them. It comes in all shapes and sizes, from the guy who wants to buy her drinks, to the guy who has spent hours and hours developing gimmicks and lines all to impress her. It is all the same. The objectification must be the first place we begin our work, as without it, the little amount of power we do have will continue to wane away, feeding the narcissism and social superiority of many women and secretly telling them all – we’re not enough for you.
What “Pick-Up Artists” and “Seducers” fail to realize is that what they promote and produce is mostly a dressed-up, fancy way of objectifying women and a very sophisticated process for leaking power all over a man’s life and world. One can become convinced that results are right around the corner only to be dismayed at the amount of work and learning there must be. The larger frustration though is when, down the road, the man realizes that all he has been doing is chasing a result that cannot fix his problem. No, in fact it makes him worse. More terribly, most guys never see improvement at all. Thousands of dollars later, they find themselves back where they started with lighter pockets and years wasted down the drain.
No, the only way to begin the process is to STOP any/all objectifications of women.
Phase II – Redefine Masculinity
Long gone are the days when the contemporary male could look up to the image of the cowboy, for example, for an image of masculinity. Also long gone are the communities and family structures which naturally conveyed male characteristics from one generation to the next. Instead, we have worlds of clueless, lost boys and men who are grasping onto deadly and dangerous activities to define themselves. Gangs are one frightening example. The PUA/Seduction community is another. A fatal one too is the metro-sexual. All of these weaken us, and distract us from what could truly serve.
What we need is a new image of the modern man. We also need new intelligence. Many of us are trapped in bogus, antiquated archetypes which have no meaning to most men. The “Alpha Male”, for example, is one such type.
For some reason, men have fallen under the illusion that alpha males have their pick of the women and therefore receive all of the success socially. This is not true. It might work that way in the jungle, but not in this culture and in this time. Certainly, alpha males do exist, but trust me – they also struggle with women and have fallen behind too. All too often, I meet young men – particularly those in the PUA community – who brashly and transparently attempt to demonstrate ‘alpha’ characteristics which come across frighteningly insecure.
Here’s one item cleaned-up right now: If you are an alpha man, bravo – you were born that way, and you still certainly feel clueless and powerless. If you are not – stop trying to be one…you will NEVER be one. It is innate, and has long ago been decided. Forget about it and move on.
What all men need are a close-knit community of men. Each individual needs mentor-ship, and then he needs to pass what he learns on to the next guy. A channel, so to speak, of masculinity must open up with men sharing, supporting and mentoring each other. This community must rise up out of the pain and anger men now feel. It must develop around the cultivation of masculinity.
Lets quickly look at some key concepts. These words will help us, and are aspects that we can develop into our lives.
- Challenge & Austerity
These will be discussed in 2 weeks time when we pull this topic apart. But, for now, just accept yourself as you are because trust me, you will have to eventually…so, why not now?
Phase III – Stop Tolerating Bad Behavior
Lets face it, most men allow women to push them around. Women are not to blame for this, as they are secretly testing these men to see how strong and sturdy their spine is. So, it’s not bad behavior we’re actually talking about. Rather, it’s a line of behavior that we’ve allowed to develop given our own gender’s decline. Women intuitively know that there are very few good men out there, and they want to find them…so, they test and test and test…
Once a man is aligned internally with some of the principles outlined in Phase II (purpose and autonomy, for example) he develops this spine which enables him to steer the boat of his life first and then the relationship (or date) second.
One of the consequences though of the decline of men is that women test, and they often do so in very very bad ways. We cannot stop this, of course, but we can learn how to handle and redirect bad behavior.
Here are some key ideas to consider:
- The best way a man can handle these tests is to use humor while maintaining his position and focus.
- One of the chief signs that a man is blown off course by a woman is he gets irritated and angry.
- Men must learn how to be assertive, which involves growing out of passive/aggressive behavior patterns.
Humor, Anger, Assertiveness…three BIG concepts that men fall short on in my experience. By making some key adjustments, he can realign himself and become naturally more adept and skilled at managing these key tests that women utilize.
Phase IV – Get A Life, A REAL One
The final phase is when the principles in phases 1-3 are activated into ones lifestyle. There is a subtle, slow, alchemical shift in a man’s life if he can weather the challenges and storms which will inevitably test him along the way to something I call “true autonomy”.
He will confront his biggest fears, he will restructure – slowly and intuitively – his relationships, he will find himself in the company of men who support and encourage while also testing and challenging him, he will drop the old baggage he carries with him, and he will understand what it means to be a man in the world.
Here’s something you may not realize about women….about how they watch you, how they take you in, how they observe and measure you:
How A Man Lives Is How A Man Loves
In other words, your life and your relationship to IT is precisely how you will relate to HER too. So, if you meet an amazing woman, and you’re life is not in order, she will recognize this in her biology and move on to the next guy. Genetically, she wants a secure, strong male…and you are not it. The ultimate test is HOW you live your life and your relationship to it. If you love your life and are secure within it, if you treat it with care and value, she will want to join you.
Why would she want to enter into a life which is fraught with chaos, confusion and negativity? There is no way to perform AROUND this, there is no way to pretend that you have your shit together if you don’t. That’s insulting to women. Instead, get your life together and carve out a meaningful place for yourself. Fight for this, I say. Forget about everything else.
If you are able to go through this process, if you are able to give yourself to your life in a truly masculine way, you will have no further problems with women. Trust me.
Live your life, embrace these masculine principles, and quite naturally the women “thing” will clear up.
Lets close with this, again harkening back to my quote from last week:
If meeting, dating or relating with women, and the improvement of this area in life, is your NUMBER 1 priority you are already screwed
BUT, if you make your LIFE your number 1 priority…if you make your own masculine/spiritual process number 1, the horse moves in front of the cart. This process can take on many shapes and many forms (career, travel, service, etc). If you can move YOUR life into the number 1 position, you’ve managed to handle this most difficult aspect.
It seems counter-intuitive, as most of you men reading this are probably VERY concerned about your women troubles…but, if you focus on them, they will worsen. Rather, focus on YOU, grow something real and male…and the ‘women troubles’ with cease to exist.
From this position, you can more fully operate, you can develop real confidence, your spine will straighten (physically, emotionally, psychically), your life will have meaning. AND – very important – your sense of self-esteem will no longer be dependent upon the acceptance of a woman…it will be intact already.
Suddenly, you can realize that GIVING security to her is your true nature. Providing this is the essence of being a man.
But, you cannot provide it if you do not posses it within yourself first. Learn and ponder this….it’s important. Next week I’ll discuss Fixing The Power Drain: Stop Objectifying Women