I used to HATE it when a woman cancel our date at the last minute, or – even worse – flake out by never even showing up in the first place.
Want to eliminate flaking by women? I hear ya…here’s my take.
A buddy of mine and I spent some time together on the phone last night, and a super interesting (and common) question came up which I thought I would elaborate on here on the blog.
This guy’s challenge is CLASSIC, and one that I see very often in the men that I work with. He has a naturally wry sense of humor, and gets “flirting” very easily.
He is very skilled at, dare I say it, cocky & funny (uh-oh). This often leads him to getting lots of phone numbers from women.
In fact, he averages a couple of new numbers per WEEK.
However, when he phones these women a few days later, they are mildly interested, courteous, but they essentially blow him off or never even answer the phone in the first place. He rarely gets an actual date with them.
It’s literally driving him nuts so he reached out…
What the $%#& is happening here?
This is a COMMON problem and by the end of this article, I want you to know what he was NOT doing in his original interactions with women and that I’m guessing you might not be doing either (and, what to do instead).
Here’s a very common scenario, which lays it all out:
PART I – The Approach
Guy gets up the nerve to approach a cute girl, she shows some interest in him, he makes her laugh (often using pre-scripted routines and tactics), then he makes her laugh some more. Feeling like “the time is right”, he will ask for her number and she provides it. She feels good in front of the guy and is open to sharing her contact info. He walks away feeling awesome that he had a successful approach and that life is good.
PART II – The Aftermath
Next day, or a day later, he will call her. She doesn’t answer and he leaves a voice message. He waits. She doesn’t return his call. He then goes online looking up “awesome voice messages to leave for girls”, and calls her back a few days later and drops the best, most awesomely crafted, amazing voice mail in the history of mankind. She still doesn’t call back. He gets frustrated, blames it on his first voice mail, and moves on to the next girl.
I can’t tell you how often I’ve “been there” with this.
Flaking, unreturned calls, texts, emails…what’s more frustrating than that? NOTHING IS.
Was it his voice mail? His approach? His body odor? His bad breath??
The answer? None of the above…(well, unless that BO is severe)
How to Show Interest & Form a Connection
My friend needs to spend more time with her, exposing more of himself, and revealing his sincere interest in her.
He needs to build comfort and begin forming a real connection with her.
(Oh, if you don’t have sincere interest in her – why are you talking with her?)
I told him to give himself five more minutes with her, so she feels that she knows you better.
Men need to realize that women are much more sensitive in social situations than men. Men often barrel their way through a conversation much like a bull in a china shop.
We’re going for the laughs and that revv of attraction but forget the all important connection.
It’s the connection that will get her to call you back, show up on the date, and be interested in you – for the right reasons.
If you don’t do this, she is highly unlikely to even answer the phone when you call.
Now, she probably WANTS to believe that she will have a comfortable, enjoyable time with you – particularly if she gives you her number.
But, unless she feels that comfort and connection while with you, your chances of seeing her again are very slim.
She needs to both know a little (not a lot) more about you. So, when I say take five more minutes with her, I REALLY mean: connect with her by finding that you have REAL things in common.
(BURN that statement in your memory…)
If you’ve only begun this conversation with her because you are interested in sex, your chances of demonstrating a genuine interest are very low because you are only engaged from your loins.
This is why PUAs traditionally have very high flake rates, and must continually meet new women.
Forming a Connection – How to Start
My suggestion is to begin by discovering more about this woman based on what attracted you to her in the first place. Perhaps she has an interesting personal style, or she is wearing something that catches your eye.
Even better are the less visible things like energy, posture, radiance etc.
These are all GREAT.
My friends’ challenge, as well as many others, is how to inquire, explore and learn more about her in a socially intelligent and smooth way.
Here are some examples of how to ask these probing questions, demonstrating both social confidence as well as an authentic interest in her:
I couldn’t help but notice that you have a keen eye for color. My sister was a redhead, and also got away with wearing green and orange. She was also into punk rock, so she could get away with wearing really LOUD outfits. Your taste is more subtle, and yet it really works. Do you work in fashion, or were you just blessed with a sensitive eye?
I used to manage a dance company, this was years ago, but I grew to recognize the poise and posture these dancers carried themselves with. They also smoked and drank constantly…amazing right? You have that same body sense – don’t tell me you’re jonezing for a Marlboro just now…
Both of these comments do a number of things.
- They allow her a glimpse into your world. You reveal to her certain aspects of your life which give her a better idea of WHO you are. This is very important, because she has JUST met you and knows nothing about you. If you want to see her again, you’ll want to do this a lot with her. Remember, she needs to feel some comfort with you. By letting her know who you are, and some elements from your past, you begin to become an actual person to her. I can’t stress this enough!
- These comments are complimentary, which makes her feel GOOD. Anytime you are getting to know a new woman, you want her to feel GOOD and POSITIVE feelings around you. By complimenting her, in particular on things other than how hot she is, you reveal that you have presence and social confidence. Also, you are inquiring into her background, and the best way to open that door is with a compliment.
- You are asking about her in ways that are very different from the “average guy”. These are not the standard buffet of questions women are bombarded with by men in social settings: “Where are you from?”, “What is your sign?”, “Can I buy you a drink”…if you need to use these, you are clearly not paying attention, or you’re not really interested in her.
By asking a few great questions, you can begin having a real conversation with a woman which establishes some commonalities and begins to form a connection (which you will then expand upon more on your first date, second date, etc).
This profoundly helped me start getting more dates from approaches and eliminated flaking and unreturned calls. After fixing this, my dating life skyrocketed.
Questions? Post ’em below – I WILL REPLY.