One of the most common questions I get from guys who are challenged by women and dating is:
How do I get a girlfriend?
I’ve worked with so many guys over the years, and know how the male brain works. We like PROCESS, we like lists…so, I’ve tried here to lay out a simple flowchart to follow, particularly if you are a beginner.
My mission in working with men just like you is to help you attain massive success with women and dating, and to eventually call an amazing woman your girlfriend.
No guy should settle for what is just available – though many do, which is really sad and completely unnecessary.
Long-term relationships are challenging, and finding a great woman is imperative to having that connection go the distance.
So, here are the four steps or phases that you need to go through to meet a woman; not only an attractive woman, but a woman who is right for you so that she becomes your girlfriend. These four steps will help you get a girlfriend at 13 or 53.
It’s kind of an art, as you will see.
How Do I Get a Girlfriend: Phase #1
Step number one seems pretty obvious, but it’s really important.
Get A Life!
Stop surfing the Internet. Stop reading articles like this every single day. Stop looking at the internet, or playing video games, or watching endless hours of South Park (my personal favorite TV show by the way). Get out into the world and start doing things.
Ask yourself this question,How many people do you know who you can honestly say are really interesting people?They are doing things that are different than other people. They are what I like to refer as individuals. Does that describe you??
I’m being a little snobbish and arrogant here, because I want to inspire you.
In fact, I want to piss you off.
You need to get a life. If you’re a guy who sucks with women, you’re probably not very happy or interesting.
You’re probably not really living the life you feel you should be living. A happy man is a man who lives in harmony with his nature (my short definition).
If you want to get a girlfriend, you need to get a life FIRST. So, get out into the world and do the things you’ve always wanted to do! OK?
If you don’t have a lot of money, be creative. Be imaginative. Be active. Get a life. Do cool, fun, interesting, adventurous things. I refuse to believe that those are not available to you right now. As soon as you finish reading this article, you can leave your house and do something interesting.
How Do I Get a Girlfriend: Phase #2
Step number two in how to get a girlfriends is to get some social skills. This actually happens as a result of being a socialized human being. Guys who are kind of private, insulated, and introverted tend to struggle with this.
Guess what? I’m an introvert. Typically men who need to learn social skills, don’t have them naturally, are kind of introverted and unsocialized.
If you get a life, (remember, that’s step #1), suddenly you will be around people and you’ll see that social skills are essential to learn to help you with things like approaching women.
When it comes down to how to get a girlfriend, approaching a woman is something you need to learn how to do. In fact, I would call it a rite of passage. Regardless of whether or not you meet the woman of your dreams through a cold approach (and I’m here to tell you that probably won’t), you need to learn to do a cold approach.
This is an experience that every man needs: to, on a certain day, see a woman and approach her, talk to her, and get her phone number. Every guy needs to have the experience of going from not knowing a woman to knowing her. It’s very powerful, and it changes your reality. It helps you know that you can go after the things you want in life, not only women, but everything.
So get some social skills. Learn how to approach women. Learn how to flirt. Learn how to escalate. Learn how to get a date. Learn how to date. There is an art to that. It’s not just dinner and a movie. Social skills are important.
Guys like me teach it. There are plenty of us coaches out there. I personally think I’m excellent at it. I know a number of others that are good at it too.
But again, get some social skills. That’s step #2.
How Do I Get a Girlfriend: Phase #3
Step number three is to get a social life. The nice thing that happens when you get a life and you get social skills is that you can merge these together into what I would call a healthy, balanced social life.
Things like: being the leader of your social circle & doing interesting things are pretty important.
Becoming the go 2 guy in your social circle – which means you’re out there in the community and you know what’s happening. You know what’s fun and adventurous. You know what’s just opening or what’s gotten the great reviews. Or, you know the kind of quiet, low key hidden places that no one else knows about and you lead your social circle in and through these adventurous experiences.
Suddenly, you become the it guy, the cool guy. People want to go and be with you and do the things that you’re doing.
This is again something that I had to undertake after Project Hollywood (you read The Game right? Yeah, that was me man). Once that dissolved, I realized that sarging (aka, going out for the sole purpose of picking-up girls) wasn’t the end-all be-all to attracting women into my life.
I had to get out into the world and get a real social life. This means making friends and bringing those friends along with you on the particular outings you’re going on and making them fun and adventurous.
In other words: start doing the things you want to do and meet the other people who are there doing it with you.
It aint rocket science man.
Leave your house right now (well, as soon as you finish this article). Start doing all the things you want to do. And, meet the other people who are there doing it with you. This is how to get a social life.
How Do I Get a Girlfriend: Phase #4
Step number four might seem counter-intuitive, but that’s exactly why it’s the hardest one.
Step number four is to stop trying!
Step number one, you get a life. It becomes a natural way of life for you. Your lifestyle is fulfilling. It’s interesting. It’s adventurous. You’re out there doing it and living it on a regular basis.
Step umber two, you get some social skills. You don’t have to become Mystery, me, TylerDurden or Neil Strauss. You don’t need to become an expert pick-up artist or an expert at socializing. It makes people weird. Just get decent at meeting and attracting women. You don’t have to be great.
Once you get a social life, and you’re meeting women naturally and on a regular basis, THEN you stop trying.
Wanna know the secret? (And no, I’m not talking about the tacky movie that came out a couple years ago.)
The secret is that in order to get a girlfriend, you have to not be trying to get a girlfriend. Relationships happen when you’re not looking. It happened to me that way and it happens to most people that way.
It’s rare that a guy sees a girl across the street, approaches her, gets her number, takes her out on a date and they fall in love and live happily ever after. Usually, there’s a little more art to it than that. The art is in how you live your life.
This is step number four because it’s the highest level, the level of not-doing (ever read Zen??).
For a while, you’re going to have to try and try hard. You’re going to have to put a lot of energy into this and lean into your comfort zone on a regular basis. At a certain point, once you reach a level of aptitude, (not mastery, just aptitude) – stop trying.
Stop thinking about it! Stop reading websites about it (yes, this means YOU man). Get out into the world and make this a part of how you live on a daily basis.
The right woman will come along when you least expect it.
I’m leaving town for a week, and won’t be posting to the blog…so, let these concepts simmer a bit. But, I challenge you to get out and do something interesting, different and adventurous in the next week.
Also, if you’re looking for the complete, step-by-step plan to get a girlfriend, check out my seminal post on the topic right here:
How to Get a Girlfriend – 24 Top Tips
Thanks and good luck!