Skill #1 – How to Approach Women (aka “Engage”)

con-text (n. )

1. The part of a text or statement that surrounds a particular word or passage and determines its meaning.
2. The circumstances in which an event occurs; a setting.

A number of years ago, I threw out each and every routine that I used to attract women, and instead focused on going for the results I wanted based on my real skill level rather than any script.

I realized quickly that the most frightening scenarios to face without these training wheels were at beginning a conversation, and in escalating the interaction.

The beginning of a conversation, a social-point that I call “engage”, was my very first obstacle.

How to approach women WITHOUT ridiculous lines or gimmicks?

Remembering that I had done this successfully over 1000 times helped with my confidence, but I must say that it still felt like a massive leap of faith.

What would I say? What would we talk about? Would I fall flat on my face?

Before starting this blog and business, and prior to releasing any products of my own, I forced myself to extract what was positive and healthy from “The Game” days at Project Hollywood, and convert that into a real method of socializing and empowerment for men – so that we could have healthy, lasting relationships with women without being weird or manipulative.

Well, through trial and error (none of which was dramatic, or nearly as painful as I anticipated), I realized that there were two actual ways to begin a conversation:

1) Natural
2) Direct

That’s it.

Direct was simple, and yet enormously challenging.

My effort was to notice the woman, and attempt to engage her with a compliment, or the catch-all:

“I noticed you, and I had to risk total embarrassment and introduce myself, my name is Stephen”.

Presto, she had officially been “engage”d (no pun intended).

However, what to say next? “Nice day”, “What’s your name?”, “What’s your sign?”

HELL no! Of course not.

In both scenarios – natural and direct – I had to understand the concept of CONTEXT.

This was critical.

If I engaged her directly, as above, I had to follow that up with a REASON that I noticed her – above and beyond her amazing looks.

I had to give it some sort of context, otherwise she would instantly know that I was not operating with full integrity – a huge turnoff to women.

The idea then is, if you notice a woman, and want to engage her in conversation, do it directly and then explain WHY you did so. From there, using my other skills such as baiting, storytelling and flirting, a conversation can effortlessly ensue.

But then what about the Natural approach?

I knew that there would be times when I would not be up for a direct approach, and that there would be times when that might not be the best way to begin. What would be a method to engage in a natural way?

I realized that at events and parties people are constantly mingling and beginning conversations.

In fact, many might simply walk up to another and say, “Hi there, my name is Stephen – so what do you think of the food?”

The reason why this worked, and was totally appropriate, was CONTEXT. These people have this current event, environment, date, time etc in COMMON, and that offers the foundation for a conversation.

So, what I needed to focus on was what, in any/all situation, did I have in common with those around me and find a way then to begin THERE.

I had developed ‘routine aversion’, which is a common syndrome amongst pro-puas, where we become so sick of saying the same thing over and over again, that we literally get sick to our stomachs when reciting, yet again, the “belch and fart opener” for example (someone should dig that one up from the archives – it ALWAYS worked).

Walking thru the park, I could say something like “Nice park eh?” or, “Wow, what an amazing park we have here young lady?” or the REALLY awesome “Park here often?”

Of course you would never say anything like this, so it had to take context to the next level – why did it need to be said NOW and to HER.

That is the real challenge with context – because in order for it to make sense, and be said NOW and to HER, the context had to be CLEAR.

That is why beginning with a canned routine or two is very good, because the good ones handle this dilemma well (check out my NY Times opener for example).

So, how to learn this skill, trial and error, of course, here are some examples:

“Can you believe they are going to tear this up? Yep, there is a referendum now to eliminate the promenade through this park as it apparently attracts vandals at night. I don’t come at night, as my bedtime is 10:30pm-you on the other hand-not so sure (flirting)�”

“The best things about parks in New York is that it is our only access to the changing seasons – these trees are now fully in bloom, which tells us biologically that it is summer – I live in Park Slope (baiting), and am near Prospect Park – this was by choice, because I’m a country boy (baiting again), and I need nature somewhere close!”

These are two actual examples from real life – they may seem rather long (and note that the woman was responding with little “yes’s” and “uh huh’s” throughout.

The idea here is to be interesting, by embracing the context FULLY. So, if you are in the subway, ask yourself – what do she and I right now have in common, and how can I engage her in such a way so that it is relevant for me to talk to her.

Sounds like a mouthful there, but it is, in fact, VERY EASY.

How do you start?

First, drop all canned routines, period. Swear them off like cigarettes.

If you’ve never used them, give yourself 30 days to use them, and get up to speed – do 100 approaches in 30 days (3 per day, a few more on weekends). You’ll be fine after that.

Second – force yourself to open three times per day in three different environments. You may only use environmental or situational comments (CONTEXT).

Third – fail, and learn, and keep the conversation going for longer than feels comfortable.

Fourth – return here and post your findings, and stay tuned for installment number 2 ‘Flirting’

I am serious about this – try this process out, and see how it goes – and if you’re feeling really bold, do a few direct approaches too – it only hurts for a second or two!

Good luck!

To check out my entire index of worthwhile skills from “The Game”, click here:

10 Skills from “The Game” That Will Help You Meet Women