“He out alpha’d you dude”, Tyler said.
“Dude, he out alpha’d you…that’s why he got the girl!!”
I had no clue what Owen was talking about. TD, aka Owen, was the first person to introduce me to the “Alpha Male” concept.
(TD = TylerDurden, from “The Game”)
I was baffled at the beginning.
Do I stick my chest out?
Do I talk louder?
Do I say more obnoxious things?
I was confused…as are many, many guys about what this “alpha male” concept really means.
In my experience, you cannot simply become an alpha male.
But, what you CAN do is learn certain dominant, assertive skills which help you be more successful with dating and women.
Let’s face it – passive, insecure men are unattractive. So, learning how to be comfortable with asserting yourself is pretty important.
Me? I am no alpha male. But, I have learned how to go for what I want anyway.
Masculinity is something you can learn, and develop.
Autonomy is another aspect you can understand and implement slowly into your life.
David Deida talks at great length about masculinity in his amazing book “Way of the Superior Man“.
In short, he describes two ways to grow masculinity:
Challenge & Asceticism
Stay with me now…
So, are you allowing yourself to be challenged on a regular basis? Are you choosing to have this in your life?
Or, are you shying away from it. Are you backing down from the various calls to life that are in front of you?
Life presents many challenges, which we either choose to face or not.
But, for men who want to develop healthier and more dynamic dating lives, we need to ELECT challenges for ourselves.
Where am I deficient? (you might ask yourself)
Where do I need to grow?
It is very, very powerful to choose to be challenged. It grows self-esteem and that important intangible:
The second interesting way to cultivate this is via asceticism.
So, can you be alone and be comfortable with yourself?
Or, are you someone who always distracts himself with ‘activity’ and other nonsense to help you avoid seeing the real truth about your life.
Men who chase women as an answer to their inability to truly face themselves, men who distract themselves from their true primary relationship (their selves) with women, or anything for that matter, are doomed in the big picture.
I have a friend who does this chronically. In fact, he’s addicted to the drama of seduction, but cannot go any further – even though he dresses all of his ‘dates’ up this way.
Sure, he will tell you that he ‘really likes her’ and that ‘she’s perfect for me’ – but, the truth is, he’s USING her for validation.
The validation seeking game is very, very dangerous.
(Dare I say, “The Game” and all the PUA tactics, are an effort to get validation from others…this NEVER works – you have been warned)
Women are not innocent here either – they do the same things all the time. Some need a certain level of validation from a man to feel good about themselves, and therefore find men who will give them that.
The only problem is, these men are sick themselves…which produces a vicious, painful cycle of manipulation, passive-aggression and codependence. These ‘situationships’ never turn out well for either person.
In the end, everyone gets hurt – and it’s not cool.
In the case of my friend, he’s unwilling to see this, and he cannot sit still for any duration.
He’s the classic Playboy…terrified, sleazy and smooth.
He appeals to low-level hotties, who either learn a lesson from him or sink lower themselves to ‘win’ the twisted game being played.
Stop using women as a means to growing self-esteem.
You must do that FIRST, and then attract someone healthy.
One exercise I used to do was to sit for an hour each day, with no distractions at all. This didn’t mean I was ‘meditating’ in a classic manner. Often, I would just sit on the couch and allow myself to feel lonely and watch myself want to distract myself…only to not follow the impulse.
This was very, very powerful. I learned to sit still and deal.
I grew self-esteem, and a sort of ‘self-comfort’ which healthy women can taste on a man.
This is what you want, in my experience. Forget the ‘alpha’ nonsense. Grow into a more secure man, and the rest will take care of itself (trust me).
Alpha males are over-rated, particularly in our little dating community. Most of them are more confused and unhappy than the nerdy guy who can’t get laid. Their lives are equally as unfulfilling, plus loaded with drama and BS.
What you seek is a proper blend of autonomy and masculinity. The real road to lasting success with women follows these 2 themes.
Focus on them both, and give yourself a bit of time too, and very soon you will start to see a profound shift in your dating and social lives.
If you’d like to learn more about how to cultivate real masculinity and how this powerfully intersects with dating success, click the link and listen to my extended podcast on the subject. Well worth the time + lots of takeaways.