And I can back it up from personal experience.
Anytime I place “women” at the top of my priority list, I AM SCREWED. This includes any/all of these scenarios:
~ I want that “one special girl”
~ I want to get better at meeting women
~ I want to meet MORE women
~ I want more dates
~ I want a girlfriend
All of these apply.
Anytime I (or you) place the acquisition of a number, date, sex or relationship with one woman or the ubiquitous “women” as your top priority, you’re screwed. Toast. Done.
Got your attention? Good.
Here’s how you can tell if you’re a candidate:
Do you think about, organize your life around, mildly (or not) “obsess”, or talk endlessly about improving your situation with women?
When you go to bed at night, what are you thinking about?
When you go out with friends, are you secretly hoping to meet someone?
When you exercise, meditate – or otherwise participate in a solitary activity – do you find yourself naturally, with no effort at all, thinking about your “women situation”?
If you relate to any of these, guess what – you’re eligible!
I’m being a bit hyperbolic here for a reason: To lighten your mood.
Because the reality that I am a “needy male” doesn’t enter in easily. Most male minds reject this. It’s hard to accept and handle.
And, it’s understandable why. We’re not trained to recognize neediness, we’re constantly presented with bogus imagery of “real men” which we secretly know we don’t measure up to.
Here’s the reality though…and it’s even more painful (this will get better in a minute – PROMISE).
WOMEN KNOW IT.
Yes, that’s right. The women that you are so eagerly trying to “get” know you are needy and some have even begun to compensate for our neediness.
Most are simply turned off.
So, when I returned from Project Hollywood a very long time ago now (9+ years – amazing), I absolutely qualified as a needy male. In fact, dare I say it, but all PUAs are by definition – needy.
Even moreso the professionals who have to demo this stuff to hired clients – they HAVE to be good at pick-up. Not only does their social life depend upon it, but also their pocketbooks.
Saying that they NEED the women to dig them is an understatement.
Me? I had organized my entire life around meeting new women, sleeping with them and (hopefully), making one of them my girlfriend. I was an extreme case, yes, but this doesn’t DQ you or your buddy or his brother either.
Being “great” with women had become my number one priority. And, based on my earlier hypothesis, this means I was screwed.
I, in fact, was depressed and felt as if I was pushing on an immovable brick wall. Nothing seemed to help. I was clearly spinning my wheels, and simultaneously, sliding down the hill.
Something had to give, but what was the answer? I was completely lost, and the direction actually came from a friend and not from some brilliant insight…
When I moved back to NYC, I asked my friend Rob to help me. He put it simply:
“Stephen, women are attracted by security. When you make her – in any way, shape or form – your top priority, you are making yourself insecure. Something else has to be number 1.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Anything man! You need to get a life Stephen. Attract her, don’t chase.”
BAM. Like a door slammed in my face. He was right. Attract her, don’t chase.
I had it all wrong…
What was this “something else”? What could it possibly be?
I remembered then a time when I had attracted a hot girl – I was involved with theater, and I was totally immersed in it. One night, after a performance, a hot girl approached me, thanked me and gave me her card.
She even called a mutual friend the next day and glowed about meeting me. I had done NOTHING.
Then, I stumbled across a book…and I must give credit where credit is due – “Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida totally revolutionized my life in this area. In it, he talks about purpose and mission and the deadly trap of making anything else your top priority.
A guy needs something to die for.
You mean, the latest, greatest tactic for approaching a woman wasn’t the answer?
That’s right. The security that Rob was talking about was about me knowing what I was supposed to be doing and having the integrity and courage to go for it.
So, the question became – what am I willing to die for?
Seems a bit severe, but is it? Biologically, aren’t us guys wired up for competition, challenge and providing for our families?
When and how did we become so neutered that we, instead, find ourselves supplicating to women for their measly phone number?
Once I saw the truth of the situation, I got pissed off. So pissed off, that I did something about it.
First, I stopped trying to meet women – no more approaches, no more pick-up tactics, no more games.
Next, I tried to remember what it was that I loved doing when I was younger, when I was not yet trained to be average and just like the rest of you.
Then, I took action in those directions until something started to open up, & I kept going.
The result? Love, engagement, marriage…the whole works – all happened when I least expected it. I found the natural way to attract women, and it involved some very subtle and highly effective social skills AND some much more important life skills.
Both of these together are the secret way. They don’t function without the other. And, surprise surprise, the social skills aren’t as important as the life skills.
How to find your purpose is the MOST important question you will ever ask yourself. Some other ways to phrase this might be:
What are you willing to die for?
What would you do with your life if anything were possible?
What great adventure awaits?
Because what she really wants is THAT, not your gimmicks and scripts. She wants to be taken, not begged. She wants the stability to flower and become what she’s supposed to be. And she will know exactly how you will love her by how you love your life. If you can give yourself to your mission or purpose, you will be able to give yourself to her.
She knows it, and now you do too.