Tired of Hearing “Lets Just Be Friends”?

Recently, I got a GREAT question from a friend of ours in the Midwest. This is a topic that plagues a lot of guys, and I am guessing you too.

He writes:

Dear Stephen,

I want to be in a relationship, where sex comes along down the line. I don’t want enter the friend zone (I have enough hot female friends), but I don’t want the situation to NEED to get physical quickly to stay alive.

What do I do?

TH
Minneapolis, MN

Good question TH. So, it’s about toeing the fine line between the dreaded “lets just be friends” & escalating too quickly and being slotted into a purely sexual category in her mind.

First, you have to be willing to delay gratification for yourself. I assume though that this piece is handled, otherwise you wouldn’t have arrived at this question in your life.

Ultimately, it is about maintaining that sexual/romantic tension. These are two different aspects.

Guys who have been primarily hunters for sex in their lives, automatically project a vibe of sexual hunter – partner (players). This was my issue post Project Hollywood/The Game period.

Guys who have been seeking romance in their lives, tend to be the ones who fall into the “friend” category and hear “lets just be friends” a LOT (this was me early in my development).

To have a healthy relationship, you have to be the master of BOTH.

The sexual tension leads her to see you as someone worthy of conquering her, and the romantic tension leads her to trust you enough to give you herself in a relationship. See the difference here?

As long as both are present, you will have no problem keeping her around.

Having sexual tension doesn’t mean that you have sex. In fact, for most guys, once the sex happens the first time, the tension is gone.

In a healthy relationship, it should only increase. This is rare though, and requires the couple to give themselves to a sexual discovery process.

Most people are horribly sexually repressed, which is why we have such strange outbursts of sexual energy in our society.

How to have the combination of both then is what you need to be concerned with.

For the sexual tension, you need to be both dominant and autonomous – in other words, lead her…in conversation, on a date (you have the ideas, you take charge), and even physically (you walk her down the street, etc).

For the romantic tension, you need her to trust you – so, be on time, call when you say you will, comfort her when you sense her emotions are fragile, be open and honest with your feelings (not in a dull, cheezy way – but in an empowering way).

Hopefully you all can see the difference.

If you want healthy relationships, you need a blend of both. Experience is the only way you’ll know when/where to increase the tension, and when to let it go.

If you want to have real choice in your dating lives, you really need to understand both sides here.

Otherwise, you’ll be the victim of your instincts..which is what led you here in the first place.

Good luck!