This post could be called: the opposite of How To Get A Girlfriend. Today I want to discuss a phenomenon in the dating world called oneitis.
Ever hear of it?
Or, worse yet – ever experience it??
Ugh, I hope not man.
This is where you, the guy, become so obsessed with a woman that you literally cannot see other options which exist. The man affilicted with one-it is is consumed with the girl’s behavior, her every word, the meaning of all of her actions.
He is searching for some clue that will enable him to know that she likes him.
As a former PUA oneitis can be very common when you are overly concerned with tactic/outcome – which is the wrong frame entirely when meeting new women.
This is no way to get a girlfriend…
I make the argument that women who trigger one-it is are TOXIC for the guy (not ALL guys, but only for the one who has the One-it is). The best course of action here is to drop her immediately. Stop any and all pursuit of her. (In my ebook, How To Get A Girlfriend, I cover exactly what to do to attract high-quality women…but more on that later)
If she changes her behavior, and chases the guy after he drops her, this is OK but in my experience, highly unlikely.
One-it is is VERY different from the feelings associated with falling in love. My girlfriend and I are very much in love with each other, and never have I felt an ounce of toxicity akin to one-it is. Mutual love rarely devolves into obsession, and when it does, it is usually quickly assuaged by true and sincere contact between the two people involved.
Real love is when both parties are interested and available. One-it is is when only one party is available (even though the other may be interested)confused yet?
I remember during the Project Hollywood experiment, we ALL had one-it is at one point. Mystery for Katya, TD for some girl named Celeste (can’t remember if that’s her real name) and I for a girl named Ananda.
We would wake up controlled by the obsession of winning her over, of making her ours. I went to incredible extremes to try and make Ananda my girlfriend. I would drive to her home unannounced, I would engage in absurd text message conversations. TD and I once went to her home after a night out, and we did indeed hook-up.
Did this satisfy me?
There is something so uncontrollable and slippery about women who are not REALLY available to us. They might say they are, they might even indicate physically that they are (having sex with us, for example), the might contain SOME interest for us, but in their hearts – they are unavailable.
So, they engage us in a game.
They are intrigued, and interested enough in our approach that they allow us to dangle on the line of pseudo-interest while they get their kicks.
Oh, and I should add, we men are NO different! How many women have I had on the line as an option only to see them become so obsessed with me that they call/email/text more and more, trying to be reassured that I am truly interested.
Once I stopped doing this to women, I also stopped experiencing the obsession of one-it is.
What you give is what you get, in other words.
This brings me to a very interesting mailbag question I received over the weekend. Let’s hear from him now:
Here’s my dilemma.
I love your book. I have been following your advice- lifting weights, getting into health and fitness. I am taking a computer science class at night school, so I feel like my career is going somewhere too. I signed up for a series of dancing lessons and and there were five girls in the class. After the class, I suggested that we all go across the street for a drink. After a couple of weeks, the cutest one and I hit it off.
She is a smart girl. She taught school and is now going back for her PHD. She reads a lot, has a really close family life and is especially close to her father. She is kind, happy, beuatiful and has similar spiritual beliefs to my own.
We flirted over drinks with the gang a few times and texted each other. I organized a party and she worked the door for a couple of shifts and I hung out with her. She is a great flirt and I tease the hell out of her. I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Later that week, we went out on a picnic and gently kissed for two hours. She must have said about five times what a great time she had.
Now we haven’t talked for two weeks! I call her every few days and leave a message, she waits a week to call me. All told, I’ve left five messages, she’s left me two.
I think she went home from our picnic, picked up her copy of The Rules and said OMG! I forgot, I am supposed to play hard to get.
Well, if the purpose of The Rules is to get a guy to obsess over a girl.. it’s working! But this is not fun. We had a real connection and it would be bad enough if two weeks went by without seeing each other, but two weeks have gone buy without even talking. Twice already, I have said to myself Well, I guess it didn’t work out with her, time to move on only to have her call me the next day (and I missed the call).
I have gone on dates with other women in the mean time, not real keepers like her, and I wouldn’t worry about her, except she is a real girlfriend-quality woman.
So, the natural impulse here is TO CONTROL. We want to formulate strategies that will enable us to reduce the pain we are experiencing by being unable to control the woman and dictate a certain outcome.
We want to win, we want to feel good.
So, we seek out advice for how to get the girl. We want some blueprint which will safely guide us to the finish line of victory.
It does not exist.
What is interesting about this guy’s question is that is really highlights that she IS interested in him. She calls him, she kissed him, she gives just enough interest to keep him – in her mind – as an option.
He emailed me a few days later remarking that:
She finally called me, so I invited her to go see a parade with my friends and I. She didn’t show up or call, so I fired her. I said in my email, I wouldn’t worry about her, but she was a real girlfriend quality woman but it turns out she was totally not.
Denial is not only a river in Egypt
It took him one more stab to reveal to him that she was not good for him. Good for him for recognizing it, and dropping her.
The mind is a very intelligent thing, and my belief is that when we slip into obsession we are attempting to control something which is uncontrollable. We have picked-up queue’s which inform us that she is not available. These fly in direct conflict with our desires to date her. Obsession, one-it is is the result of this conflict.
The Game is a natural result of this phenomenon.
The desire to control women is an age-old struggle. The pain experienced by a broken heart is easily one of the greatest known to mankind.
Why wouldn’t we then attempt to control or govern an outcome?
My argument to guys is when a woman produces such toxicity within you, it is your responsibility to let her go asap. The one-it is obsession is extremely painful and imparts tremendous stress and pain in our lives. The arrogance is that we can win her even while she impacts us this way.
This is precisely the point at which we MUST drop her and we MUST move on. Our self-esteem depends upon it.
To learn more about how to get a girlfriend, check out my 24 top tips post (linked below). I’ve listed, in order, the process of going from completely clueless & lost to wildly successful and crushing it with women…it’s a long one, but worth your careful study.
Check it out here:
How to Get a Girlfriend – 24 Tips