Oneitis
…Even typing the word causes a painful chill to roll up my spinal column.
If you’re suffering from this rather painful condition – I’ve been there and I absolutely, 100% sympathize with you.
There is a solution to oneitis, but it likely has nothing to do with the girl you are hung up on.
And…this is the worst part:
It’s probably already too late to “get” her.
Can you accept that? If so, you’re already on the road to oneitis recovery.
To get this started, here’s my rather long, but important, oneitis question for you:
Ever been hung up on ONE girl, to the point where you possibly lost sleep, focus, perhaps made ridiculous phone calls to her, stalked her (or cyber-stalked her…a new, scary phenomenon), begged her, shed tears for her…and otherwise lost a huge amount of time effort and energy to the cause of getting her?
Well, I have been in this position before, a few times in fact. But, none more painful than Ariana (name changed, of course, to protect her anonymity)
This situation played out years ago, way before I ever realized I needed help with women, dating and relationships. Aeons before I learned how to get a girlfriend, and fell in love (which is my situation today…so, I’ve come full circle – in case you were wondering).
I was walking home one night, and met a woman near my apartment – she was walking her dog. I think she asked me for directions – yes, that’s right, she asked me for directions.
So, we began chatting and we eventually swapped numbers. A week later we went out on a date, strolled back to her place, got a bit intimate and said good night. We washed/rinsed/repeated that a few times, and all was good and fun.
Big point to make here is this: All my eggs were in one basket…HER basket – I had no other options, and hadn’t had a cute girl in my life in some time. I think it had been nearly a year possibly since I had even kissed a girl.
I left town on a business trip for 3 weeks, and when I returned – something had changed.
We were set up for a date, and I was all ready to go when the phone rang. It was her cancelling. A sinking feeling set-in.
“Something’s Up”, I thought
She had said she’d call back to arrange another time, but days now started to pass with no call from her.
S-T-R-E-S-S sets in & my sleep started to suffer.
I decide to call her.
Seems a good decision, right?
Here are the stories I was telling myself:
“Aah, maybe she’s busy at work and hasn’t had a chance to call me” (NEVER happens…when someone wants to call someone, they make time for it)
“Maybe something horrible happened” (Maybe it did, but even then, if she was really interested, she would call)
“My answering machine is broken” (But, I was getting messages from other people)
“Maybe, just maybe, I was supposed to call HER” (She had been clear, and this was a blatant rationalization, as I was looking for anything that would help me FEEL BETTER NOW!)
So, I called her.
Are you close to cringing yet? Don’t worry…this gets worse.
She nervously played it off as “being busy”, “things got away from me”, “oh, this case is so overwhelming (she worked for the DA)”…somewhere in my body though, my heart was sinking…
“Let’s get together this weekend”, said I
“Uh, OK…um, well, can we talk later in the week so I’ll know if I’m free?”, she blustered
“Sure, I’ll call you on Wednesday” (it was Sunday), I replied
“OK Stephen…I’ll talk to you then”, she said and then quickly got off the phone
As soon as I hung up, a feeling of relief swept over me – I had done it! We had a date coming-up and all was well!
It was good to hear her voice, I recall thinking. Again, I had so few women in my life, that just hearing her voice made me smile.
And then, 10 minutes later, it all changed. Suddenly, a feeling of suspicion began to grow inside of me. Part of me knew that something wasn’t quite right here. My feeling of trust had been broken by her, as she had flaked once by now. Was she doing that again?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday….each night worse than the previous. I would awaken with a gasp, and then stress would set-in. The stress of desperately needing to control a situation that is immensely uncontrollable.
Work each day would be difficult – I had no ability to focus – NONE. I would take breaks, I would try to eat, I would drink lots of coffee.
An annoying habit began to kick-in…I began to “confide in my friends about the situation” – because, I needed advice.
Within a day, everyone was hearing about it – and everyone gave me different advice.
“Dude, you have to tell her how you FEEL” (guy)
“Just lay back, she’ll call you – I know it” (guy)
“Haha, man Stephen, don’t ask me – I’m just as clueless as you are” (guy)
“Call her, and just leave her a groovy message man, and DON’T ask her out…” (guy)
“How wonderful! You’re in love with someone! I just know it will work out – what is her name?” (girl)
Each person’s tip would inspire me, give me hope and confidence for just as long as they would talk. I could be carried away by their emotion and optimism, but as soon as they were gone, I would sink back into even greater confusion and anxiety than before.
So, as you can probably imagine, Wednesday came and I was relieved. At around 8pm that night, I worked up the nerve to call her. I was REALLY nervous. I had decided that I would just go with the plan of firming up plans for the weekend. To do anything else would be out of the ordinary here, and perhaps I was “overreacting”.
I call – no answer – into voice-mail – I hang up
Shit.
I should have left a voice mail! Damn, now if I call again, will she know that I double-rang her??
More stress sets in.
I call again – again, no answer – into voice-mail – nervous, shaky, stammering message – I hang up
Shit.
Double Shit.
I try to distract myself by watching some TV, but I can only think about the LAME message I just left on her voice mail.
An hour or so passes, the phone rings.
My heart jumps – “maybe it’s her!”
Nope – a call for my roommate. Some guy named Darryl, who calls everyday to talk about some “website project”.
Get a life Darryl.
I go back to the TV and begin obsessing again. I pull apart my message in my mind, trying desperately to figure out how she will receive it once she does hear it.
It’s now time for bed, and I try to sleep. I can’t do it. When my alarm rings in the morning, I’ve had maybe a few hours.
My eyes and body start to show a bit of fatigue at work.
“Stephen, are you OK? You seem a bit tired” (they say)
“Yeah, maybe a bit”
Being that this was before I had a cellphone, I am now checking my home voicemail VERY often. I recall that before my trip away, I had checked my voicemail from work and had received messages from her.
“Maybe that’s how it works?” I think
“Maybe, God will only send me a voicemail from her when I’m not obsessing about it”
Every hour (or more) I phone home to check voicemail…no messages. NONE whatsoever. I crave the sound of “Debbie, the voicemail lady” to say the following:
“You have ONE new voice message – to hear your message press ONE”
All I want is ONE Debbie. I could hear her voice in my head before I’d call.
The weekend passed, less sleep, more stress, less eating, more obsessing….
Monday, Tuesday…and now, Wednesday again.
Strangely, I started to feel better early in the week – as if, something was lightening up in me…but, once I decided to call again on Wednesday – it returned.
All I needed was to stare at the phone with a small ounce of desire, and the itch was back on me like the hives.
I called her again….and again, into voice mail. I left a quick message:
“Hey, it’s Stephen. Hadn’t heard from you so wanted to check-in and say Hi. I hope nothing is wrong, and that alls well. Give me a ring so we can hang out soon. Bye”
“check-in”
“alls well”
Catch phrases for…CALL ME PLEASE I AM DYING OVER HERE.
I felt a bit relieved by now. I had done what I could do, and now I could let this go.
I decided to go for a walk at this point to “clear my head” – something very satisfying about taking an action, and knowing that you’ve done what you can.
I return and notice the message light blinking. My heart leaps into my throat as I press the red “PLAY” button.
“Hey Stephen, it’s Ariella. Sorry I haven’t been in touch. Give me a call when you get this, so we can talk. Bye”
NICE! It’s ON!! Or, so I think…
I call her now. And she answers. After the usual pleasantries…she drops the bomb:
“So, you should know that me and my ex have started hanging out again…it’s not too serious yet, but that’s probably why I haven’t been so responsive”
My face fills with blush. I’m flustered. My mouth and throat tighten. I grow dizzy.
“Oh, OK, yeah, I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from you”
“Yeah, sorry about that, I should have told you…but, you know”
“Oh sure…yeah…well, OK”
“So, I should go – but I’ll talk to you soon, OK?”
“Great, OK – Bye”
“Bye”
I sit down.
What just happened? My heart was aching….my brain was cycling like never before. Where my brain heard opportunity and an opening, my heart felt closure and an “overness” like never before. They began to fight.
My brain won.
“I’ll talk to you soon” it repeated to me
She never said they were “back together” it said
She never said “don’t call me” it said
And again, she said “I’ll talk to you soon” – dude, it’s ON!
I went to sleep, barely with my mind racing a mile/minute convincing me that it was ON…and then, it was OVER…ON…OVER…ON….OVER
UGH.
I began stalking her.
Now, when I say “stalking” I don’t mean that I’d crouch in the bushes by her house – no. But, I would stroll past her apartment building 2-3 times per day when it was totally inconvenient for me to do so. I would go WAY out of my way to hopefully “run into her” spontaneously. I would call her sporadically hoping that she would answer…only to have her voicemail pick-up and never leave a message.
One night, the worst of the worst happened.
During one of my “strolls”, I saw her and him going into the apartment. They didn’t see me, but I saw them. Care to guess what he looked like?
A total stud…
He had me by three inches in height, looked way cooler than me, probably worked out 4 times a DAY, and she was staring at him adoringly…
I walked away. I walked home. And then, it happened…
I began to cry.
I am very serious about this.
You see, when you have a fantasy relationship with someone, and then you see them in REALITY with someone ELSE…it’s a heart-breaker. It’s devastating. It’s a crushing blow.
Now, not only did I get to stress out about her, but now I had images of her with HIM to boot.
This was not getting better.
I stopped sleeping. My work suffered. People began to be “concerned” for me.
One day at work, I decided to go for broke.
You see, when we’re obsessed with that “one special girl”, we usually have one of three options:
1) The Stalking Method (tried it, and failed at it)
2) The Call and Leave/Dont Leave Voice Messages Method (tried it, and failed at it)
3) The BEG AND PLEAD Method (my final option…and, oh yeah, I was about to USE it)
Late one night, I called 411 and found the general number for her office. I phoned it, and was able to deduce her direct dial work number.
I decided that tomorrow – I was going for broke, and I was going to end this once and for all – she was either going to see me, or it’s OVER.
(of course, she had been giving me signals left and right that it was over for some time now…signals that I was not receiving – so, for her it was OVER already)
I called her after lunch. Surprisingly, I ate a lot. Something in me had relaxed knowing that I was about to take ownership over this situation once and for all.
At 3pm, I headed downstairs to the basement to use a private land line. I was going for broke.
I called, she answered, and for the next 20 minutes I pulled out every trick, stop, gimmick, and sappy plead that I could muster. I even told her I loved her. I was the romantic, I was the “alpha male”, I was a poet, I was funny, I was everything I had ever wanted to be…and then, it was over.
She told me she was back with “him” and that she really “liked” me, but that she had to focus on her relationship now.
“You’re a great guy Stephen, but I’m looking to get married and I think he’s the one for me. Can we be friends though?”
“Sure”…
We said our good-bye’s, and just like that – it was over.
10 weeks of hell, sweat, tears, stress and sleepless nights were over…that night, I feel right to sleep and woke up a new man the next day.
********************************
I gotta tell you, just rehashing that story fills me with both pain and pride.
Pain because I can still feel some of those memories in my body…
Pride because I’ve come a LONG way since then – and that phenomenon doesn’t happen to me anymore.
I want to tell you now how to both HANDLE this situation and how to work your social life so that this won’t HAPPEN to you again.
For part II of this article, please click here:
A Painful Story About Oneitis: Part II
To learn all about how to get a girlfriend, check out my 24 top tips post (linked below). I’ve listed, in order, the process of going from completely clueless & lost to wildly successful and crushing it with women…it’s a long one, but worth your careful study.
Check it out here:
How to Get a Girlfriend – 24 Tips
Thanks man!
